Subject: Crying, painful nights, Blossoms everywhere, 2 Days Alone with Howard
From:    Nancy
Date:    Fri, 16 Mar 2007 23:59:17 -0800
To:      Maggie

Lumps are appearing in unexpected places all over my body.
Tears in my eyes.
Help is appearing in unexpected places.
More tears in my eyes.
I want to use my imagination more for happiness.
I have been using it to imagine things to make, or buy, or give to people I love, After I die.
Should haves and shoulds appear.
Accompanied by tears.
Pain comes.
I'm always saying "I don't know."
What is that poem by Hafiz
Where he welcomes everyone at the door,
(Fear, Resentment, etc.)
I forgot where I put my Love,
Or whether I remembered to buy seeds for next year's garden.

I want to plant something that takes two years to bloom.
I want to prove to people that I am capable of learning
of remembering, something new on the computer, or how to use my camera.
I don't want to be told what to do.
I chose sleep over breathing class
And now, this over sleep.
I called up someone I missed.
I miss someone I haven't called.
Behind on my thank yous.
Two weeks after surgery,
I was out in the garden, twisting,
Lifting heavy stones,
Making a place for flowers,
I still want to do what is right.
But I don't know what that is.
And I would rather be happy, anyway.