Subject: Crying, painful nights, Blossoms everywhere, 2 Days Alone with Howard
Date: Fri, 16 Mar 2007 23:59:17 -0800
Lumps are appearing in unexpected places all over my body.
Tears in my eyes.
Help is appearing in unexpected places.
More tears in my eyes.
I want to use my imagination more for happiness.
I have been using it to imagine things to make, or buy, or give to people I love, After I die.
Should haves and shoulds appear.
Accompanied by tears.
I'm always saying "I don't know."
What is that poem by Hafiz
Where he welcomes everyone at the door,
(Fear, Resentment, etc.)
I forgot where I put my Love,
Or whether I remembered to buy seeds for next year's garden.
I want to plant something that takes two years to bloom.
I want to prove to people that I am capable of learning
of remembering, something new on the computer, or how to use my camera.
I don't want to be told what to do.
I chose sleep over breathing class
And now, this over sleep.
I called up someone I missed.
I miss someone I haven't called.
Behind on my thank yous.
Two weeks after surgery,
I was out in the garden, twisting,
Lifting heavy stones,
Making a place for flowers,
I still want to do what is right.
But I don't know what that is.
And I would rather be happy, anyway.